Meet the Fangirl
by Macavroche
Summary: When a Fangirl captures all of her favorite characters and transports them all to the mysterious SHMAVTWOT, you know you're either going to be surrounded by total epicness... or the author is really messed up. Rated K for some 10-and-up language.
1. Prologue

Welcome to the prologue of Meet The Fangirl! This is only in existence because, let's face it, you can't call yourself an author (or authoress) unless you've stuck yourself in an alternate universe with all your favorite characters and made them do really bizarre stuff. Right? Who's with me? Right? Right?

Disclaimer: I'll own these characters when this story actually happens.

Prologue

Eliza, also known as The Fangirl, is typing furiously on her laptop. She's been planning this for months. If all goes well, all her dreams will come true. If not... Well, I'll leave it there. A stack of books lays next to her on her desk: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, and Les Miserables. She heaves a great sigh. It's time. She lowers her finger very slowly onto the mouse. It clicks, and there's a bright patch of light. When the light is gone, Eliza, the desk, the books, the laptop, and her favorite lemon swivel chair have all disappeared.


	2. Chapter 1

Okay, so as soon as I got this from my website and made it a word document, I regretted several things. One was not making this longer. Another was my numerous spelling mistakes (Which, were all on purpose! +cough+ MICROSOFT WORD +cough+). Thanks to Cori the Freak-of-nature for being my first reviewer EVER!

The previous disclaimer covers the whole story, k?

Chapter 1

In Which They Arrive at the SHMAVTWOT, Cats Wear Unitards, Gavroche and Merry Fight, and Javert and Draco are Best Friends

Somewhere, in a galaxy far, far away...

Eliza: +coughing+ Huh? Where am I? OMG! I did it! I'm in the SHMAVTWOT! +squeals+

+other beams of light appear, materializing into other people+

Legolas: +arguing with Aragorn+ ...And I'll have you know, Aragorn, the arrows have existed for much longer than any sword...

Aragorn: You don't know that! Arrows can't do anything in combat, anyway... +trails off, confused+ Where am I?

Eliza: Welcome to the SHMAVTWOT, guys! +hugs them+

Legolas: The Shmav-what? Who are you?

+several figures in extremely revealing unitards appear+

Skimbleshanks: +who shall now on be called Skimble+ What's going on?

Munkustrap: +who shall from now on be known as Munk+ NEVER FEAR! I SHALL PROTECT YOU! +starts doing sketchy ballet moves+

Mistoffelees: +who shall from now on be called Misto, since his name is impossible to spell. He is not impressed+ Very nice, Munk.

Rum Tum Tugger: Woah! What happened? Where's Bomba? +looks around, doesn't see her, sinks to his knees+ NOOOOO! +BTW, he will be known as Tugger+

Etcetera: +who will keep her name, cause it's not insanely long+ Don't worry, Tugger! I'm still here!

Tugger: +facepalm+

+lots of beams of light, others appear+

All: Huh? What? Where am I?

Eliza: +sits in swivel chair, types on laptop, megaphone appears in her hand+ Stupid computer! I asked for a microphone, not a megaphone!

Computer: Sorry. Microphones give me a rash.

Eliza: Um, TMI. Anywhoodles... +in megaphone+ ATTENTION EVERYONE. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FREAKY GIRL WITH THE TALKING DEVICE.

All: +turn to look at Eliza+

Eliza: +lowers megaphone+ Thank you. Now, guys, welcome to the SHMAVTWOT!

All: The WHAT?

Eliza: +sighs+ The Secret Hidden Mysterious And Very Twisted World Of Technology, duh.

All: Oh.

Eliza: Okay, so I've brought everyone here for my own sick purposes-for future reference, NEVER get involved in fandom. It gets ugly fast.

All: +exchange confused looks+

Eliza: I've also brought everyone together because I wanted to see what all my favorite things look like together! Oh, almost forgot the candy! +types on laptop, and Skittles appear for everyone+ Don't eat too much, Tugger, it'll ruin your amazing body!.

Pouncival: +who will now be called Pounce+ Um... why am I human?

Cats: +nod in agreement+

Eliza: Oh, you couldn't talk to us if you were cats!

Jemima: So your solution was to give us unitards?

Tugger: Actually, I like it. It's flattering. +struts around+

Etcetera: +squeals and faints+

Eliza: +types on laptop to revive her+

Skimble: As a matter of fact, I like it too.

Misto: +looking at him in disgust+ Yeah, but you're... you.

Skimble: +sweetly+ Oh, c'mon, Misto, you know you like it.

Misto: Excuse me while I go puke in the corner.

Legolas: Too late. I'm already here. +rocks back and forth in the corner+

Gavroche: Uh... you 'kay, monsieur?

Aragorn: And you are?

Gavroche: +proudly+ Gavroche.

Aragorn: What is your quest, simple child?

Gavroche: What is your problem, simple-minded?

Pounce: Oh, snap!

Merry: DON'T MESS WITH STRIDER! +jumps on Gavroche, fight ensues+

Javert: Hey! I'll have to arrest you for violence in the... the... +to Eliza+ Must I say it?

Eliza: It's in the script.

Javert: +sigh+ Violence in the... +very quietly+ SHMAVTWOT.

Eliza: +innocently+ Sorry, what was that?

Javert: +slightly louder+ The SHMAVTWOT.

Valjean: +snickers+

Javert: GET BACK HERE, 24601!

Draco: Hey, you're a bully too!

Javert: You're a BULLIE?

Draco: Yup!

Javert and Draco: +do majorly complicated secret handshake+

Eliza: +looking from one to the other+ Am I missing something?

Draco: We're part of BULLIE-Big Ugly Lying Low-Down Insufferable Evils.

Javert: Wanna go sit in the corner and talk about ways to crush people's dreams?

Draco: Yay!

Javert and Draco: +skip off, hand in hand, singing+ F is for Friends who do stuff together, U is for U and me...

Eliza: Ooookayyy... Uh...


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In Which the Name Game is Played, Legolas is a Girl, Skimble Scars Everyone, Jemima is Belgian, and Victoria Crashes the Party

Eliza: +brightly+ Okay, everybody, get in a circle, we're gonna play the Name Game!

All: +groan+

Eliza: C'mon, it'll be fun! And it'll be good for chapter length.

+everybody gets in a big circle+

Eliza: Let's see... there are... 18 of us here.

Snape: +counts+ No, there's 19.

Eliza: What? +checks laptop+ No, I have 18 typed in... Who's crashing the party?

Victoria: +meekly raises hand... uh, paw+

Eliza: YOU?

Victoria: Um... no?

Eliza: Get out of here, Little Miss Perfect! +types in laptop+

+Victoria turns into a beam of light and vanishes+

Misto: +conjures flashlight+

Pounce: +takes flashlight, sweeps room with it+

All: +creepy whisper voices+ Victoria's not there!

Munk: Darn, Demeter's not here. I can't do my romantic nuzzle thing.

Eliza: Sorry, Munk. I like her, but not enough to go fangirl.

Skimble: You don't like me either.

Eliza: Not much, but your naturally pervy ways make the story more interesting.

Tugger: I'm pervy!

Eliza: No, you're gay. There's a difference.

Etcetera: +gasps and faints when she learns Tugger is gay+

Tugger: +defiantly+ I'm not gay!

Eliza: Yeah, well, John Partridge is, and since I made all you cats look like the 1998 film version...

Tugger: +to others+ What's she talking about?

All: +shrug+

Eliza: Let me summarize it for you. Misto's hot. Skimble's not. Etcetera does EVERYTHING with a silly grin on her face-love you for it, Etcy-Tugger's always waving his butt in the camera, Munk is talented, Pouncival isn't in it enough, Victoria's in it wayyy too much and she CAN'T EVEN SING, Jemima's Belgian-

Jemima: WHAT?

Valjean: Woah... racist much, Jemima?

Jemima: I'm not Belgian, I'm a cat!

Eliza: Veerle Casteleyn is Belgian.

Jemima: Who's Veerle Casteleyn?

Eliza: +sighs, feels a migraine coming on+ I am not going through this again... Let's all just go around the circle and introduce ourselves. Say your name and favorite thing. I'll start. Hi, I'm Eliza, and I like everyone here. Gavroche, you next.

Gavroche: I'm Gavroche, and I like fa' old rich men with large pockets.

All except Gavroche and Eliza: +look confused+

Eliza: Kay, moving on. Legolas?

Legolas: I'm Legolas, and I like shooting stuff and shampoo.

Draco: I'm Draco, and I-hey, wouldn't it just be easier if I said what I didn't like?

Eliza: There's probably more of that, so sure. Do whatever you want, you hot meanie you.

Draco: +gives Eliza weird looks+ Well, anyway... I don't like Potter or Weasley or Mudbloods or Dumbledore or Hagrid or Hogwarts or caramel ice cream. I do like Snape and my father and getting Potter and his friends in trouble. Oh, and ketchup on toast.

Eliza: Great!

Aragorn: +aside to Legolas+ Why is she so... bubbly?

Legolas: +shrugs+

Eliza: NEXT!

Merry: I'm Merry Brandybuck, and I like Ents and food and Pippin and food and getting drunk (except for the hangover part) and food. Sorry, did I mention food?

Gavroche: Yeah, 'bout four times, ya fat midget.

Merry: +sticks his tongue out at Gavroche+

Gavroche: +sticks his tongue out at Merry+

Jemima: +rolls eyes+ Yes, thank you all for being so mature.

Eliza: NEXT! Oooh, Misto!

Misto: Yes, I'm next. I'm Mistoffelees-

Pounce: +snickers+ Misto-fleas!

Misto: Shut up! I do not have fleas!

Pounce: +can't stop laughing+

MIsto: +sigh+ Anyway, I like magic-

Merry: +wide-eyed+ You're a wizard?

Misto: Um... sure... more like a magician...

Merry: I LOVE WIZARDS! +jumps on Misto+

Misto: AAAH! +falls over+

Eliza: +coughs+ Ahem... anyway, Etcy?

Etcetera: I'm Etcetera, and I like Tuggy-poo! +hugs him+

Tugger: +turns bright red+

All except for Etcy and Tugger: +burst out laughing+ TUGGY-POO?

Tugger: I... um... well, she...

Jemima: I will never let you live this down.

Tugger: +sulks and tries to pry Etcetera off him+

Eliza: +when she's stopped laughing+ NEXT!

Pounce: I'm Pouncival, and I like jumping on stuff, Bombalurina, and teasing Misto-fleas.

Misto: +mumbles+ Huh. Hadn't noticed.

Pounce: Sorry, Misto, you're too easy!

Misto: +to Eliza+ Can I still use my magic in the SHMAVTWOT?

Eliza: Yup.

Pounce: Oh, catnip... +backs away from Misto+

Misto: +cackling madly+ I'm gonna get you!

+both run off into the SHMAVTWOT and out of sight+

Merry: +sobbing+ No, the wizard's gone!

Eliza: Um... anyway... Jemima, your turn.

Jemima: I'm Jemima, and I like singing and Admetus.

Cats: Oooh...

Jemima: +blushes+

Snape: +annoyed+ Can I go already?

Eliza: Oh, fine.

Snape: I'm Severus Snape, and I like potions, Slytherins, giving Potter detentions, and Lily Evans. +turns to Sirius beside him+ Wait... +turns back to script+ I'm next to BLACK?

Sirius: Hee hee... Anyways, I'm Sirius, a.k.a. Padfoot, and I like pranking Snivellus.

Snape: +through gritted teeth+ Severus.

Pounce: +reappears with Misto+ Nice nickname, Snivellus.

Pounce and Sirius: +high five+

Eliza: Okay... next!

Aragorn: I'm Aragorn, and I like fighting, acting heroic, and pretty elven girls.

Merry: +slyly+ Like Legolas?

Pounce: Oh, snap!

Legolas: I AM NOT A GIRL! Long hair is manly!

All: Yeah... sure...

Legolas: +goes back to sulk in his corner+

Eliza: NEXT!

Javert: I'm JAVERT! DO not forget my name! I like puppies, rainbows, killing fugitives (especially 24601), my mommy, and spying on rebels!

Gavroche: Shut up! Vive la Republique!

Eliza: +stops them before fight ensues+ NEXT!

Valjean: I'm Valjean-

Javert: DIE!

Eliza: Okay, before we go any further, what kind of parent names their kid Jean Valjean? I mean, that's worse than Joe Jonas. It's like naming your kid Tom Thompson or Nicky Nick or something. My little rant. Continue, Johnny.

Valjean: My name is Jean Valjean!

Javert: AND I'M JA-

Eliza: Yeah, we get it. We won't forget your name.

Valjean: I like pickles, Cosette, and... that's it. Maybe Marius is okay.

Eliza: NEXT! Oh, no... +hides face in hands when she sees who it is+

Tugger: Hey, y'all, I'm the Rum Tum Tugger!

Etcetera: +squeals+

Tugger: I like me, myself, and I, a horrible muddle, Bombalurina-

Pounce: Hey! She's mine!

Etcetera: Hey! He's mine!

Tugger: -and Eliza, of course! +kisses her hand+

Eliza: +giggles and blushes+ N-next!

Munk: I'm Munkustrap-

Eliza: I have got to bring Emmanuelle to the SHMAVTWOT, she'd die to meet you.

Munk: Um... yeah... well, I like Demeter, Old Deuteronomy-

Skimble: Oooh, Munky, is there something you're not telling us?

Munk: +ignores him+ -and protecting the Jellicle Cats from Macavity.

Javert: What's a Jellicle Cat?

All except Cats and Eliza: +echoing+ What's a Jellicle Cat?

Cats: +facepalm+

Pounce: It's bad enough that the last Ball took twice as long with all the explaining who everyone is, but to do it again here... this is just ridiculous!

Draco: This class is ridiculous.

Eliza: +squeal+ BEST-LINE-EVER!

Skimble: Isn't it my turn?

Eliza: Oh, fine, I guess. Just a sec. +types on laptop+

+earmuffs appear on Jemima, Etcetera, Gavroche, Merry, and Draco+

Those People: Huh? What was that for?

Eliza: This is Skimble we're talking about. You're kids. He will scar you for life.

Gavroche: Wot abou' you? +he has a Cockney accent+

Eliza: Oh, I'm already scarred. Nothing he can say will hurt me.

All: +exchange confused looks+

Skimble: Can I go already?

Eliza: Never thought I'd say this, but... sure.

Skimble: Hi, I'm Skimbleshanks, and I like-

+this section has been removed due to-well, let's just say that the kids did not regret their earmuffs+

Skimble: -and that's what I like!

+cricket cricket cricket+

Eliza: Um... okayyy... moving on... We're gonna take a little break now, since everyone's gone-

Victoria: I haven't!

Eliza: YOU! How did you get back in here? Get back here! +chases Victoria around+


	4. Chapter 3

Can I just say how much work it took to come up with those nicknames? Thank you for supporting this story!

Chapter 3

In Which Legolas Freaks Out About His Hair, Draco Gets Déjà Vu, Gavroche Tries to Be Manly, Munk Has Family Issues, and Everyone Gets Nicknames

All: +stare after Eliza in shock+

Gavroche: +while everyone is distracted, strokes Legolas's hair+ Shiny...

Legolas: AAAHHH! DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR! DIE, SMALL INSIGNIFICANT CHILD!

Gavroche: 'ey! Watch 'oo ya callin' in-sig-ni-fi-can'!

+Legolas and Gavroche jump on each other and start fighting+

Eliza: Hey! Calm down or I'll have to bring out... the Secret Weapon.

Gavroche: Oh, I'm so scared. Wot is this "weapon"?

Eliza: +gestures to Skimble+

Skimble: +waves+ Here's what I like...

Gavroche: +falls to his knees at Eliza's feet+ NO! Make it stop! It's torture! Non, mademoiselle!

Eliza: Fine. Shut up, Skimble.

Legolas: +sighs in relief+ Thank you, Eliza.

Eliza: Anything for you, Leggy. +blows him a kiss+

Legolas: +outraged+ LEGGY?

Eliza: Hey, that's a good idea! Let's give everybody nicknames!

All: +groan+

Eliza: C'mon, it'll be fun!

All: That's what you said last time!

Draco: I'm getting a serious sense of déjà vu here.

Eliza: Trust me.

Aragorn: Trust. Trust you. You must be joking. I'd trust an army of Orcs more than I'd trust you.

Eliza: +sarcastic+ Love you too.

Javert and Draco: F is for Friends who-

Munk: NOOO! +knocks them out with his amazing battle skills+

Aragorn: Nice violence.

Munk: Thanks. I got a brother.

Aragorn: You learned all that from a brother?

Munk: Well, he is evil and out to capture my leader and capture the love of my life and kill everyone I love.

Aragorn: Family issues?

Munk: You have no idea.

Eliza: Okay, everybody gets nicknames, and we use them for the rest of the chapter!

Misto: I refuse. This is just insane.

Eliza: Whatever you say, "Sparkles."

All: +snicker+

Misto: +blushes, but sits in a circle with the rest+

Eliza: Okay, so Misto's "Sparkles." Who's next?

Gavroche: Oooh! Me me me!

Eliza: Okay... Gavvie?

Gavroche: No way! Feuilly calls me that, I hate it!

Eliza: Well, I'm not calling you 'Vroche. I don't care what the fandom says, that's just stupid.

Gavroche: I was thinking more along the lines of "Beau" or "Viril."

Eliza: I've only been taking French for two years, for Pete's sake! Gimme a sec. +types "viril" into Google Translate+ MANLY? Dude, have you even hit puberty yet?

Gavroche: Mayyybe...

Eliza: Let's just call you "Gamin" and get it over with.

Gamin: KK.

Javert: What about me?

Eliza: Paranoid?

Javert: Like the Jonas Brothers song? Yuck.

Eliza: I won't even ask how you know who they are. How about... "Mutton Chops of Justice?" "MCJ" for short. And it also stands for MC Javert.

MCJ: Sure, whatevs.

Eliza: Snape is the Half-Blood Prince.

Half-Blood Prince: OK.

All except HBP and Eliza: +exchange confused looks+

Eliza: I vote Tuggy-poo for Tugger.

All except Tugger: +burst out laughing again+

Tugger: +turns red+ No way! I wanna be "Sexy!"

Eliza: I was saving that for Legolas, but... sure.

All: Really?

Eliza: Why not? It's true, you can't deny that.

Sexy: True dat, sistah!

Jemima: Sorry, I don't speak Annoying.

Sexy: Hurtful!

Eliza: Okay, guys, who's next?

Munk: I could be... uh...

Merry: Munkie?

All: Nah.

Merry: +looks hurt, joins Legolas in corner+

Eliza: God, I have no idea what to do for you, Munk. Maybe I'll ask Emmanuelle. Anywhoodles, Pounce, what do you want to be?

Pounce: +opens his mouth to speak+

Eliza: +interrupts him+ Actually, don't answer that. It needs to be something funny, because this chapter hasn't been all that crazy.

Jemima: And that's a bad thing?

Eliza: Hey, there's an idea! Let's give Jemmy a nickname!

All: +cheer+

Pounce: What about me?

Eliza: You're on hold.

Sparkles: HAH! RE-JEC-TION!

Jemima: +facepalm+ Okay, fine... Can I be Sillabub?

Eliza: You know about Sillabub?

Jemima: +twisting her fingers together+ Welll...

Eliza: +muttering+ I will not quote Disney Channel... I will not quote Disney Channel... +can't help herself+ That was a very long well.

Jemima: I might have kinda sorta probably maybe possible checked Wikipedia.

Mr. Macchiano, my Social Studies teacher: +randomly appears+ WIKIPEDIA IS NOT A VALID SOURCE! +disappears+

Eliza: I take back what I said before. This chapter is plenty crazy.

All: You can say that again.

Eliza: All rightie, then... +checks laptop+ We still need a bunch more names, so let's get to it. Legolas, what's your favorite thing in the world?

Legolas: Hair products, and my hairdresser Shelby. +to readers+ Love you, baby. +blows kiss+

Eliza: Your new name is Shampoo, k?

Shampoo: Um... what just happened?

Eliza: Jemima?

Jemima: Singing.

Eliza: You're Melody.

Melody: Sweet...

Valjean: Who am I?

Eliza: +starts to speak stops, confused+ Was that on purpose?

Valjean: What?

Eliza: Well, just for that, you're- +bursts into song+ two-four-six-oh-ONE!

24601: NOOOO!

MCJ: +snicker+

Eliza: Merry, you can be-

Gamin: Midget.

Merry: I am not a midget! I'll have you know that I am perfectly normal-sized for a hobbit-length and width!

Shampoo: +leans in, in Gamin's ear+ And just think-there's whole villages full of these guys, thousands upon thousands...

Gamin: +covers mouth in horror+

Eliza: Okay, Merry's "Midget." NEXT!

Draco: Seriously, anybody else getting déjà vu?

Sirius: I'M PADFOOT!

Eliza: Sure!

Padfoot: +fist pump+ Yesss...

Pounce: Seriously, what does that even mean? "Padfoot..."

Eliza: What can Etcetera be?

All: +think for a moment+

Sexy: Aggravating?

Sparkles: Stalker?

Munk: Hyperactive?

Midget: +daydreaming+ Roast beef...

All: +give Midget weird looks+

24601: How about Squeal?

Etcetera: Like a pig? No, thanks! But I like the sound of "Aggravating." Has a nice ring, don't you think?

Padfoot: You're gonna purposefully call yourself aggravating?

Etcetera: +shrug+ Tugger suggested it, I automatically agree.

Eliza: How about we shorten it to Aggie?

Padfoot: +to Eliza, incredulous+ You're going ALONG with this?

Eliza: Why not?

Padfoot: This is social suicide!*

Eliza: Okay, fine... How 'bout Trapeze?

Trapeze: Yay!

All except Cats and Eliza: +start to exchange confused looks, but give up and just go with it+

Eliza: Aragorn, you be Strider.

Strider: You do realize I made that name up under pressure to get four nosy little hobbits off my back, don't you?

Eliza: Even if I did, I wouldn't care. I'm still trying to figure out why I brought you here.

Strider: +sarcastically+ Love you too.

Draco: Seriously? Nobody? Déjà vu?

Eliza: You are seriously setting yourself up for a lousy nickname. How about... Ferret?

Ferret: NOOO! My father will hear about this!

Eliza: It's settled then. Sorry, Ferret, but you look so cute when you're mad!

Skimble: What about me? Cuz I got some great ideas...

Eliza: +before he can do any damage+ Lemme just sum all of them up for you. Your new name is Pervert. This conversation is over.

Pervert: But-

Eliza: OVER! Hee hee, Youtube... And Pouncie-Boy can be Colonel, cuz of the Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles, Together With Some Account of the Participation of the Pugs and the Poms, and the Intervention of the Great...

Cats and Eliza: RUMPUS CAT!

Melody: +swoon+ Oh, Admetus...

Eliza: So that leaves Munk.

Munk: What about me?

Eliza: You need a nickname. You're the only one left.

Munk: Oh. +tries to edge away+

Eliza: Not so fast. You need a nickname like the rest of them, but for the life of me I can't think of one. I even slept on it and everything.

Pervert: You slept on Munk?

Eliza: Skimbleshanks. Living up to his nickname since 1998. Go Geoffery Garratt!

Pervert: +looks confused+

Eliza: You know, the best nickname for a fandom character that I've ever heard was from Nightwing's fanfic The Marauders Can Read? on FictionAlley. Love that story, died laughing every time and scared the heck out of my family. Google it, it's amazingly funny. Shame she stopped writing it. Anyway, they called Snape "Snookums" for a chapter, it was hilarious. +lightbulb+ We should call you Snookums, Munk!

Snookums: +facepalm+

All: +cheer+

Eliza: Okay, let's go through this one more time. Computer thoughtfully took notes; thanks, Computer.

Computer: No prob.

Eliza: +checks laptop, scrolling down and reading+ Okay...

Misto=Sparkles

Gavroche=Gamin

Javert=MCJ

Snape=HBP

Tugger=Sexy

Legolas=Shampoo

Jemima=Melody

Munk=Snookums

Pounce=Colonel

Etcetera=Trapeze

Skimble=Pervert

Valjean=24601

Draco=Ferret

Merry=Midget

Aragorn=Strider

Sirius=Padfoot

Good job, Computer!

Colonel: Well, that's everyone!

Ferret: What about you, Eliza?

Eliza: Oh, I'll be Skittles.

Victoria: What about me?

Skittles: You're Barbie. Now, begone!

+Barbie vanishes, all cheer+


End file.
